Science? Yes.  Strategy? Yes.  Absolutely an Art, too.

#1 SETTING EXPECTATIONS

First dates can feel overwhelming. I’ve been there. I get it. What is the best way to set expectations? To have none, zilch, zero.

The trick here is to go into the first date neutral: think the date probably isn’t going to be a meeting of the minds with your long-awaited soulmate, but it isn’t going to be awful, either. There is no pressure; it is just one date. It’s a fun opportunity to meet someone new. That’s it. The question you need to ask yourself after the first date isn’t whether you want to marry this person, but whether you want to go on a second date. That’s it. Nothing more.

#2 TO CALL OR NOT TO CALL

If you live within a 30-mile radius of your prospective date, there is no need for a phone call before the date. I have found in my experience with clients that this can ruin the magic – or set   pre-conceived notions – before you can connect with the other. Sparks don’t fly on the phone. They fly when eyes lock and we engage in conversation.

For example, I had one client named Leah, a 55-year-old stylist in Austin who matched with a guy in her zip code online. A few days later, they spoke for an hour on the phone and then texted furiously in the days before the date. (Another no-no—once the date is scheduled, there is no more back-and-forth aside from a quick confirmation text on the day the date is scheduled.)

Leah was convinced this was her next husband and told me, her girlfriends, her sisters and her close colleagues he was the one. As you can imagine, the expectations were pretty high. Not surprisingly, it was painfully apparent that there was zilch chemistry on the first date, and Leah felt incredibly crushed and defeated as she had to tend to the questions from everyone shrieking “well, how was it? When is the big day?” Worse, it took Leah quite a chunk of time after that to mentally pull herself up and back into the game.

So, no call. The only caveat to this rule is if you live outside that 30-mile radius. I have one client, Natalia, who lives in a rural area in central Virginia and has had to travel to larger cities or even neighboring states to date. In that case, a call is warranted before making the trek.

But on that note, I am not a fan of long-distance relationships unless one already intends to move to that place for personal or professional reasons. There are too many variables; while some work out, that is the exception, not the rule.

So, what if you do a call for 10 minutes?  How do you close it?   I just see too much of people “chickening” out and saying “let’s talk again”.  OMG.  Why?  No, no and no.  If there is a chance you’d like to see this person in real life, say this “It’s been fun chatting.  Where would you like to go from here?”   Ok, there will be one of two answers:a.  “Let’s talk again tomorrow”.   No.   How about this:  “Oh, I’m not much of a phone talker and like meeting in person.  I’m free Thursday and Saturday for lunch.  Does that work?”

OR

b.  “Let’s meet”.  Great.  Exactly what we want to hear.  Have in your rolodex a few ideas of meeting places so you are not stammering and hemming and hawing for a place to meet.

When I did my first dates, I kept is simple.  I met all my dates for lunch at Deck 84 in Delray Beach, FL---and it was funny as the hostess knew after awhile and would say “Oh, Andrea—he’s out on the deck”.   It was my comfort spot!

Dating closer to home is a far wiser approach with greater odds of success.

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#3 GIVE A “WHICH” DAY WORKS

You've exchanged a few messages, and it's clear you have things in common. The conversation has been fun and engaging. Then, one person sends, "We should get together sometime." What? That comes across as minimal interest or a lack of confidence. You know what sometimes means? Never!

How about this instead: "Let's definitely get together this week—does Saturday lunch or late Sunday afternoon drinks work for you?" It's specific, shows genuine interest, and makes it clear that you're making time to meet. And importantly, it’s not in the distant future! Online dating moves quickly, so there's no need to hesitate. This message says, "I'm confident you'd like to meet me."

By the way, this approach works for all sides—gone are the days when only the man does the asking.

#4 MANAGING NERVES

Know that those nerves, which can sometimes be pretty intense, won’t last forever. When re-entering the dating whirlpool, the magic number is 3. Once you have 3 first dates with 3 different people under your belt, something just happens – the walls go down, your confidence grows, the conversation flows (no rhyme intended) and things just start to click.

I would also advise abstaining from discussing the date with your friends beforehand. We love our single pals, but I see too often that they have nothing positive to say about the process, and our committed friends in long-term marriages or relationships just aren’t going to be on your wavelength with this one. So, keep it close to the chest.

#5 CHOOSING THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE

First up, don’t do dates on a Monday. Why? Monday’s are stressful for most people in the working world, with too much on the mind. However, Monday evenings are great for hopping online and engaging with the apps!

Second, I don’t recommend coffee dates, even those at cute hipster coffee shops. They are just too informal and lack the ambiance for a first impression. I’ll be frank: alcohol works. It just does. Instead of coffee, a relaxed atmosphere, like a happy hour at a nice bar, allows for better conversation and a chance to assess chemistry. You don’t need to commit to a dinner on date 1 but go for the drink and maybe a shared appetizer or two. Alternatively, a lunch or weekend brunch is a little less formal, and you can incorporate a Moet or Bloody Mary into the mix if you desire. It just takes the edge off.

Third, don’t choose a place where you frequent with your buddies. Carmela, a 59-year-old doctor, shared a frustrating first date experience. Her date took her to a sports bar, ordered her a glass of wine, and then proceeded to focus on the game and chat with the bartender. It was an evening clearly centered around his interests, leaving Carmela feeling neglected and uncomfortable.

For the first date, keep it simple. After the first date, you can get more creative with an activity and a little more levity – but first date should be you and them in a standard setting. I had one client who lives in Southern California, in her mid-sixties. She matched with a guy, they planned a drink, and then all of sudden he changed his mind and wanted to take her to Disneyland.

I quickly chimed in no! Can you imagine being stuck with someone you just met for eight hours or so in long lines and in the hot sun? Better to avoid potential disaster.

Also – guys, let’s pretend chivalry isn’t dead for a second. Don’t pick a place in your neighborhood that is really out of the way for your date. Take the initiative of figuring out what works for her or finding a place in-between.

Best tip I can give you?

Just enjoy.  Have fun.  It’s a wonderful season to date…full of cheer, parties, plans and smiles.