I often think about this---and I’m a huge proponent of yes, absolutely, positively be selective in choosing your partner.
Then, yesterday happened.
I was being interviewed by the Wall Street Journal for an in-depth article on dating over 40---specifically targeting the 45-68-year-old crowd. Her angle: 2nd Acts in Dating. Oh, easy interview for me—I do this all day long, I thought to myself. (And, my upcoming book is all about this topic).
We started with this scenario: A 55-year-old professional woman went on 38 dates over the last six month with OLD (online dating), had no second dates and were her standards too high or was this normal? I won’t bore you with the details of this woman’s list of “must haves” and additional info about her---but I bet you are imagining some stuff!
The journalist’s question: Was this her…or just the norm for OLD?
My answer? My response was that it was likely 95-99% her, which seemed to surprise the reporter. It's clear that perspectives on dating can vary greatly depending on personal experiences. In full disclosure, the reporter just had a baby and met her husband in journalism school, organically at age 24. Not in (and never been) in the OLD world!
In general, here’s my take/thoughts on the picky question:
1. This is your future, so it's important to be picky. You're likely not just dating for fun, but with a specific goal in mind, whether it's marriage, a long-term relationship, or commitment. However, if you've recently come out of a long relationship or marriage, you might be dating just to explore your options. From my experience as a dating expert, I often see this transition into a desire for a serious relationship.
2. 38 Dates. No second dates. Is the lack of chemistry on the first date the issue? Is she not giving a chance for a second date? It's time to wake up. You're not a teenager with raging hormones anymore, eagerly waiting to make out. Expecting insane chemistry or a spark on the first date might be setting unrealistic standards influenced by pop culture. Instead of Hollywood-style "meet cutes," think about the gradual connection in "When Harry Met Sally." You don't have to wait that long either.
3. Have a list of characteristics you're looking for? Keep it concise. If it's more than five, start crossing them off. I recently had a new client fill out detailed information before our Zoom call, and she listed 42 points in the "anything else I should know" section. After our call, I advised her to narrow it down to 5 or 6 key points. Align your expectations. It's beneficial to have an objective third party evaluate what you want, as your friends may not provide the best insight here.
4. Laughter .This should illustrate a point. A lovely 66-year-old client I have, Eve*, said laughter and a sense of humor were a must. Earlier this week she reported back to me on 3 dates she’d had over the past 2 weeks---She told me not one laughed and they were not funny. But perfectly nice and gentlemanly. My question? Did you laugh? Did you say anything funny? Nope. So, how do you know he’s not funny? Go on a second date where it’s much more relaxed than the first date. Don’t give up so easily. Don’t be critical/judgmental.
5. Let's dive into some self-reflection. Are you stuck in a pattern of dating the same kind of people? Are you not fully invested in the process? Feeling emotionally drained? Maybe you're just burnt out from all those first dates, making dating feel like a chore. Take some time to really think about what you want, what you need, and what you're looking for. And don't worry about being picky - it's important to be selective.
Remember, over 65% of my clients find themselves in relationships. The key to successful dating? Keeping an open mind and maintaining a positive attitude.
Back to the WSJ interview---at the end, she asked if she could pass on my contact info to this woman. This will be fun….
*Name changed
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